Dating and Sex After Trauma

We live in a world where trauma exists.

Its causes range from purposeful, systematic, and institutionally validated, to accidental. It can be caused by many thing—from complex unintended side effects of other healing practices to just bad timing.

Without a doubt, the likelihood of sustaining trauma increases with the number of marginalized identities one holds, reminding us that—with the addition of a more intersectional lens—the personal is still political.

I would argue there are few things more personal than trauma. As a feminist healer, I have seen how it wreaks havoc on the most intimate level, violating us down to our nervous systems.

I also believe that healing can be one of our most liberating political acts. It is a place where we can take back and take up space, finding ways to operate that are not dictated by oppressors and, rather, are guided by our innate right to safety, intimacy, sexual wellness, and connection.

If you missed the live webinar you can still purchase and view Dating & Sex After Trauma through Everyday Feminism's School for Social Justice.

Know that by even entertaining the thought that there are experiences for you (or your partner) outside of survival, you have already started the journey towards them!

With hope and trust,

Traci

The Healing Power of Reflection

Integrating yesterday, one year out from the Pulse Nightclub incident in Orlando. Listening to Spotify's "Pulse" playlist and just finishing reading an article on the need for culturally appropriate practitioners for trauma healing from the NQQTCN newsletter that showed up in my inbox. Such a wide range of ways to honor, remember, and resist. Some seemingly light and wrapped up in (I'm choosing to believe well intentioned) marketing ploys, and others steady calls for the bare minimum our communities need to just start to embark on the healing process. And wasn't this part of what hit our community so hard about the Pulse incident? It was an intersection of joy, gathering, and the hate that we're met with daily. It got juxtaposed with our country's ugly tendency to jump to any reason to justify its Islamaphobia. It reminded us that we're not safe even when we create our own spaces to gather. It was a lesson in the price of visibility.

I feel lucky that I reside in community places where these intersections and complexities were attended to, named, and called out. On top of outpourings of sadness folks in my circles called out for clarity and compassion. There was a general sentiment that you gave in the ways that you could. If you needed to share these offerings they were validated, if you needed to send them on quietly that was okay too. I know my household chose the latter. I'm finding this to be more and more my meter as I get older. We sent off a bit of tangible support, sent off as much love energy as we could muster, and then we hibernated a bit. We processed, shed some tears, and attended to some deep seeded adolescent anxiety that gets buried deep down when you're privileged enough to run into rainbow splattered Pride season gear at Target while buying paper towels.

Oh, right, this is what it still means to be a QPOC. 

I feel so lucky to be able to have a lot of the complexities of that last statement be validated in my day to day life. And even that statement gathers together such a huge group of people with so many varied experiences. It brought up the intense need for QPOC providers that this article names. It sets up the difficulty of healing when you're fighting so many other micro and macro aggressions and the heavy responsibility that's put on those that hold down those spaces. It's something that I can only try to understand as an API DFAB mental health provider where I might not be the majority, but where my identity is certainly in higher numbers than others. I often find myself caught in the struggle of feeling overwhelmed by this thought, and know that it's much more important that I attend to and move through it. 

I hope that over the course of the next few weeks, in between Pride events, and in the current state of the union, we all allow ourselves to lean into the simplicity of healing that comes with finding ourselves reflected out in the world. Whether or not you're leading the parade or can't imagine donning a feather boa in the summer heat simmer in the reflection that this time of year offers. Before you start a critical dismantling of capitalism smile at the rainbow section of Target. Before you analyze every lyric bop around to some pop music. We have so many complicated intersections to hold, sometimes we have to take the healing reflections even when they come in single dimension pieces. We can't pull back from the fight completely, this isn't an excuse for the blind eye that folks sometimes turn to intersections, there's so much more to be done, but we can allow ourselves simple retreats, access to joy, and healing in the reflections that exist so that when we re-emerge we can meet each other from more grounded places.

So one more offering of how to honor, resist and remember the atrocity that yesterday marks: Know that we have the right to access healing before we deconstruct it. We deserve to gather, dance, and lose our shit over a good DJ set. Never forget that joy has as much a place in our community as any other emotion. 

In joyous reflection,

Traci

Fear Part 1: Character Back Stories

There’s a lot to be done in this moment in time, but I’m not going to speak to you about politics or organizing. This isn’t because it’s not important, it’s just not my area of expertise. My very wise partner keeps gently reminding me that we all need to do what we can with what we have-- rather than more than is possible from theoretical resources-- which in all honesty is what I’m often inclined to do when I feel a bit lost. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow. It’s left me reeling a bit. I’ve built a life and practice on agency and resiliency, and in all honesty, I feel a bit low on both in this moment.

With that in mind, a small offering on people and fear, because it’s what I can do with what I have as a being that has been fortunate enough to have my life intersect at the crossroads of marginality and healing.

I spend lot of time in my office reminding people that I see them and that they exist. Before we tackle strategies or movement we pause to attend to whatever is right in front of us. Due to the way that we are taught to self-care (or rather ignore this fundamental human need) what is right in front of us is often the challenge, the blockage, the voice that tells us we can’t/shouldn’t move to the next step. Along with rightful outrage, frustration, exhaustion, and anxiety, what is currently looming in front of us is fear.

Here’s the the thing about fear, there is a “dramatic” nature to it, in that we all have a back story to our characters as they are presenting on the world stage at this particular moment in history. This goes for those of that who have jobs that actually put us in a place to face the international community on a policy level and those of us that are trying to decide how to take our place amongst the ranks of social media presence. We’re trying to figure out what our fear is and how it may motivate us, incapacitate us, or dictate our lives in the coming days/months/years.

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"We’re trying to figure out what our fear is and how it may motivate us, incapacitate us, or dictate our lives in the coming days/months/years."

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On November 7, 2016 at around 10:45pm PST I took a breath, closed my eyes, snuggled my pup in next to me, and laid my head down on my pillow. I knew there would be things to do the next day, but I tried to do what I thought was healthiest, what I would have encouraged my clients do. I’ve clung to this mindful and methodical temperance, in my healing journey and it has served me well. I’ve been lucky enough to live a life with a relatively low mental and emotional burden for someone with my inclination towards high context sensitivities and porousness to the pain of others. I tell you this to let you know the privileged spot that I’m starting at. I’m honored to bear witness to traumatic but inspiring stories of survival daily, and I still manage leave my house every morning with little internal struggle. I’m neither blind to hard things in the world nor have I been stopped in engaging with it.

I wish I could tell you exactly what time I sat straight up with a start, heart beating, breath quickened, as it would add to my drama metaphor, but the rest of the night into the morning was pretty hazy. Unintelligible screaming punctuated by cursing and “New World Order” poured in through the back window that we leave open to enjoy the tiny bit of seasonal weather SoCal musters in November, and by the time I could parse out that the screaming was in celebration not aggression my mind had already gone through the gamut of terrible things that might be about to occur. In that fearful state, we were faced with several decisions: Did I want to hear a neighbor scream back to know that we weren’t the only ones not happy with what just happened? Did we hope that everyone stayed silent as to not aggravate whoever was already in an amped up state? Was everyone hearing what we were hearing or were the screams specifically turned our direction? Do we close the window to drown out the noise, or should we leave it cracked so we could be more aware of what else might be happening in the neighborhood? Were we safer in the back of the house with the animals and us away from any street facing windows? Should we be in the front of the house since it seemed like the majority of the yelling was coming from behind the house? In these few moments should we head out of the neighborhood to a friend or family member’s house or do we just stay put inside?

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"Was everyone hearing what we were hearing or were the screams specifically turned our direction?"

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This decision making process was stopped only by the jarring explosions of fireworks. Again, very aware that from the privileged place that I sit I could manage to question and then ultimately feel safe that, in fact, fireworks were all that they were.

We ended up staying put, and nothing happened per se, but our sense of safety was forever changed in those moments. Since then, more decisions. Was it still safe to stroll around the neighborhood at 9pm at night for an evening walk after a long day? How about at 8am on a slow weekend? How many times had we strolled past where the yelling was coming from? Were we previously safe because while politically dissonant from us they wouldn’t ever physically hurt us, because we had never run into those neighbors, or because they weren’t previously emboldened to approach us?

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"Were we previously safe because while politically dissonant from us they wouldn’t ever physically hurt us, because we had never run into those neighbors, or because they weren’t previously emboldened to approach us?"

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If at this moment, you’re not scared, it’s because you probably don’t have to be. If you feel like others are being dramatic, maybe take a moment to put yourself in their back story. None of us who are currently navigating our fears want you to be scared as well, and we’d too like to believe that we are  being dramatic. The truth of the matter is though, that fear is real. Real because it is unfortunately being validated in the world events that are playing out around us and because we experience it whether the terrible thing that we’re fearful of actually happens or not. Remember that the fear that people are speaking of on this large scale level is not of politics and policy (although that is undoubtedly scary too), it is fear for the physical safety of ourselves and our loved ones. Remember that for the marginalized communities experiencing the most fear, this isn’t new fear, it’s just exacerbated and validated fear.

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"Remember that for the marginalized communities experiencing the most fear, this isn’t new fear, it’s just exacerbated and validated fear."

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If at this moment, you’re scared, you have every right to be. I don’t want you to be incapacitated by it, but I also don’t want you to ignore it/silence it. Let’s not bully ourselves in the same way that we have been victim to the bullies that make us fearful. Let us be the kind nurturing balanced caretakers that we may or may not have had growing up. Attend to your fear, find compassion for the requests that it is making. You may not be able to give it everything that it is currently demanding but you can remind your fear that you see it, that it is valid, that it exists, and that you’re going to move forward with the intention of you both being safe.

In love and safety,

Traci

The Pivot: Therapy

Hey friends! We're so excited to debut a new blog series! Please, welcome Ky Anderson and The Pivot to the

COM|PASSionate REVOLUTION

!

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The Pivot

A mid-week turning point, an idea that levels you out, gives you something to chew on, and propels you into the weekend. For me the weekend means work, and Wednesday is a respite from the hustle of my day job, a day to get work done, whether that work is chores, self care, research, or personal breakthroughs.

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This week I started therapy. It's not my first attempt; however, it is the first time I have been engaged with the process. Unsurprisingly, knowing the issues I need to address (rather than self-shaming myself into therapy as I have before) is tremendously helpful.  

I had been promising myself I would start this process for the better part of a year. The thing about waiting for the right time is that it is ultimately an avoidance tactic. I have been ready to deal with my stuff for a while. Naturally, I found flaws with each candidate I researched and quickly distracted myself with other people--dates, romantic interests, friends, et al. Their strengths bolstered me to a place where I felt I was generally fine. Maybe not great, but ok. I was surviving, but not thriving.

People enter therapy for different reasons. Each time a relationship ended, career path stalled, etc, I’d tell myself, “Now is the time to get to the root of why I keep playing the same records on repeat--now I can figure out why I am how I am.” I want to be better--at communicating, at managing anxiety and stress, at navigating gender issues, at dealing with past traumas, at confronting relationship dynamics. I want to get unstuck from the morass I am trudging through.

I felt simultaneously emboldened and fragile in that first session. It motivated me to purchase "More Than Two.” I devoured it. The accompanying site I explored hinted at the depth of understanding I might glean from the volume and, naturally, I needed all the answers. Still new-ish to poly, I directed myself straight to the chapters on communication, underlining and mentally noting precisely what I intended to bring up to one of my partners the following day. I was nervous/excited for the opportunity for us both to grow.

Well, I never got that chance. The next day my heart was returned to me along with a few personal effects and a cup of over-steeped mint tea. So it goes.

The mere fact that I recognize the emotions I’m feeling as they come and go is a testament to the emotional work I accomplished in the past year. I designed my community to be expansive, supportive and nurturing. Somehow I am still surprised by and in awe of these beautiful people I include in my life, appreciative for the opportunities they afford me to grow and consider new perspectives. And I am grateful for the chance to experience love that nurtured, challenged and pushed me to grow. There are a few things I would have changed, but the experience ultimately changed me and I regret very little. It is a fact that I loved deeply, entrusted my vulnerable heart in their hesitant hands, endured rejection, and lived through the experience. That’s a lot of living for five months. This blog is a path to my own wellness, a challenge to keep me accountable to my own self care. The uniqueness of a blog developed  specifically for queer wellness is that it intentionally expands the conversations we have beyond the screen and pushes us to transform this awareness into a practice.

Maybe you practice yoga to heal. Maybe you pull tarot to find direction through an impasse. Maybe you craft a playlist to get you through the most challenging moments. We tell ourselves stories--through poses, through readings, through music, through experiences--in order to live. Whatever your process, this is the space to share it.

This story is my pivot--one of many I choose to share with you as part of my chosen community. This space is a gift intentionally developed for us to connect in our vastly diverse truths and share in the healing that facilitates. What I pen in this space is my lived experience and the ideas that emerge from them. These fractures we endure encourage healing in ways one can never quite predict. What is a wellness site for queers if it cannot help mend and uplift us in a time of immense need? This is what we are here for. Let’s get to work.

See you soon,Ky

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Ky (they/them/theirs)

is a genderqueer, intersectional feminist writer who perseveres to impose positive change on a personal and professional level. They live, work, and play in LA. The Wednesday Pivot is their attempt to put their ideas and challenges on the table to connect with a broader community of wellness- and growth-minded folks.

Tarot Tuesday: The Hanged Man

Well, hello there!

Some of you folks that follow our twitter may have already caught when this guy last came through town (and our pulls). However, on this cool morning with the sun peaking through the clouds, hanging out somewhere between the Summer and Fall seasons (of the year and my life) I couldn't think of any better wisdom to leave here in the playshop.

The Tarot of the Sweet Twilight comes with short poignant explanations of the cards. It's size has encouraged me to travel with it and pull from it in the places in between my destinations. As I return to the deck's introduction I see now that this occurrence is about so much more than convenience.

"Tarot decks, are in part, about balance. They are tools that help you find a connection between you and the Universe. They are doors that you can walk through into different worlds. The Sweet Twilight is certainly this... and more. Twilight is the place between places and time outside of time. The images speak to the sad knowledge that while twilight is between day and night, it is moving toward night. They also are filled with sweet naivety- whether you think that comes from the day before or the hope for the day to come is up to you!" 

The Hanged Man card in The Tarot of the Sweet Twilight is particularly beautiful. I can't help but feel that while the Hanged Man holds an important lesson in any deck, the magic of twilight makes him significantly powerful in Cristina Benintende's interpretation. As I sat at an airport gate traveling between two places and as I sit here at my desk trying to move back into a regular schedule his reminder is just what I need.

"The Hanged Man tries to possess beauty and truth. Only after he is himself transformed does he know that you cannot possess truth and beauty; you must become them." 

Just in case you're hanging out reading blogs today and you needed a little reminder I thought I would share.

In search of becoming,

Traci

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Traci {She|Her|Hers|They|Them|Theirs} is a yoga teacher, therapist and amateur tarot enthusiast! They try to believe in the power of their inner Magician, stay inspired by the Fool’s spirit, understand struggle through the lens of The Tower/Disaster and always stay reminded that, “The Star Awaits…”