" I believe in knowing who you are but without limiting yourself to your expectation of who you are."
~Charlotte Eriksson
Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for the Great Perhaps
I keep finding myself in these conversations lately, these big life, capital 'C' conversations. The kind of conversations you realize are these informal summits, the ones that are going to change the history book of your life that hasn't been written yet, the life you have yet to experience. And, here's the weird thing, I have a seat at the table. People are listening to me, really listening to me. We're taking turns talking. We're nodding and mirroring and offering each other space to say our piece, but the conversation is awkward and stilted.
See I've consciously and conscientiously curated my dinner party guest list to queer unicorn perfection. I'm pretty damn proud of it actually. If my dinner party were an invitation it would be the one that spills out a fabulous array of mismatched glitter. You want to be pissed because you realize you're never (EVER) going to be able to clean it all up but the theme is so ridiculous, the menu so perfect, the dress code so delightful, and RSVP list so magickal that you know you're going to smile and shake your head remembering the shenanigans from that night every time you pick glitter off your work clothes-- so you just surrender.
The thing with these perfect queer unicorn dinner parties though, is that when you gather a group of folks that aren't used to being asked their opinion, folks that are generally not heard/seen, folks that have spent the majority of their time on this planet figuring out how to fit in enough to survive, it's hard to have a serious summit about the course everyone wants their lives to take. All of sudden we realize that we've clawed and crawled our way to this point in our lives when we have a little bit of agency and we haven't a damn clue what to do with it.
Understanding who we are in this life in a way that allows us to grow is a great task of development, but an extremely daunting adventure. It expects us to walk with clarity through the gauntlet of other's perceptions while not losing our pathway back to our core selves. For most of us this door was shut a long time ago the first time we were shamed for having an internal world that differed from those who were charged with decorating and tending to our external one.
Once this conflict is setup it rears it's insidious and self-defeating head in multiple situations and in subtle and not so subtle ways. It doesn't just come up from the larger more visible oppressive systems we all live in, it comes up in our individual stories and our families of choice. Sometimes it doesn't even look like a critical voice. In fact, more often than not it comes up in affirmations, in agreeing to things we don't realize we don't want to do.
It might look like leaning into a physically challenging asana practice before we have a good hold on our internal clarity (read: a lot of the yoga we practice here in the West). It might look like saying yes to consuming things that aren't actually good for our minds, bodies, hearts, and spirits. It can look like rejecting needed and nurturing rest. It can show up as acts of love when we believe supporting our partners means agreeing with them, consistently and unequivocally. The problem with this is that we are growing bodies, building lives, and navigating relationships in ways that are not sustainable and consistent with our true selves. We're doing work without doing the core work first. We need to solidify and strengthen our centers before radiating outwards. Otherwise, just like physical practices we're not ready for, we hurt ourselves.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I interact as a human that wants to live in family, community, and relationship. How do I value my own autonomy and encourage the folks around me to do the same? I do believe that it's important to hear the voices and reflections of those I love and respect, and even constructive criticism from those that might have a more challenging presence in my life, but I want to be able to grow without losing my own individual root system. I've been thinking about how I've seen this lack of ability to calibrate to our own individual meter effects folks I interact with in both my personal and professional circles. How can we be communal creatures, learning and growing from one another, while still remaining true to the most authentic versions of ourselves?
I think that being open to growth and change while also knowing how and when to stay the course is a delicate practice. It requires a level of understanding ourselves that honors the sophisticated fluidity around core identities.
In perfect worlds we would have all been raised in environments where this was practiced and modeled around us. We would have been lovingly and meticulously assembled in protective bottles until we were ready to take our ships out onto open water. My guess is this isn't how it looked for the great majority of us.
Our choice then, is if we want to dedicate the time and energy to hone our ability to live in this authentic practice? Is it worthy work to do the painstaking task of coaching our internal parents to raise fully formed, solid but growth oriented beings?
I would like to know myself in a way that can hear new points of view but isn't threatened by every new opinion I encounter. I would like to interact lovingly with those around me while knowing the difference between compromising and being compromised. And most importantly, I don't want my ability to be self-actualized to my most authentic form stinted by anything, including my own expectation of who I am supposed to become.
So with that in mind, I will honor the struggles that have made me who I am, I will continue to learn the craft of compassionately piecing the person I'm supposed to become together, and I commit to believing in the innate structure of my ship to weather any storm.
Staying the course,
Traci
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Traci Medeiros-Bagan {She|Her|Hers|They|Them|Theirs} is currently in the depths of intentional core work to build a conscious practice. They are a therapist, yoga teacher, and human in progress. Information about where, when, and how they share this journey with community can be found at compassionaterevolthealing.com
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